Unitarian Universalist Jokes

I was raised a UU, and even in 2nd grade I needed to come up with a quick summary of what UU’s believe, so I started telling friends it Unitarianism was like believing all the religions rolled into one. That seemed sufficient, most kids what stop asking questions at that point. Even now when discussing any religions with friends I use my updated version, “I was raised a Unitarian so i’m equally ignorant of all religions'”

As part of my ongoing quest to try to figure out what it is that I do believe, and what it means to be a UU, I have been collecting UU jokes over the years from e-mails, newsgroups and now websites. I’ve had a page on my website with these for years, I just figure it’s time to move that part of my site in here. I also edited it and added a few new ones that I’ve heard in the past few years.

There are lots more UU jokes out there now, in fact there are several websites that have more UU jokes.

http://stoney.sb.org/uujokes.html
http://www.huuweb.org/Sermons/UUjokes.html
http://www.firstunitariantoronto.org/uu_humour.htm?

Below is a longer list of UU jokes that I’ve found amusing, but I’ll post my favorite one that I first heard while going to YRUU conferences in the NY Metro district ’83-’87:

How many UUs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They screw in sleeping bags in the Church basement.

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UUs are the people who pray, “To whom it may concern….
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What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah’s Witness? Someone who goes door-to-door looking for a discussion.
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A guy saves up for years and can finally afford a Mercedes with all the options. He wants to take care of it in every possible way so he goes to a priest and says, “Father, will you say a blessing over my Mercedes?” The priest says, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand–what’s a Mercedes?”

So he goes to a rabbi. Same thing: “I’m sorry–what’s a Mercedes?”

So then he goes to a UU minister and says “Would you be willing to say a blessing over my Mercedes?” and the UU minister says, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand–what’s a blessing?”
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Three Unitarian-Universalists arrive at the Pearly Gates, much to their own surprise and that of St. Peter, who upon checking his records realizes that these three people have led fully exemplary lives, they aren’t Christian, and Heaven is only for Christians, and they shouldn’t be up here in the first place.

But it’s a slow day, and St. Peter is in a good mood. So he offers them a deal: “I’m going to ask each of you a question, and if you answer correctly, I’ll let you into heaven. But if you get it wrong, to Hell with you.” They figure this is as good a deal as they’re likely to get, and so Peter asks the first one, “Explain the meaning of Easter..” The guy scratches his head, and says “Isn’t that where there’s a fat guy in a red suit with reindeer, and you get presents, and– AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!” as St. Peter pushes the big red button and the poor fellow is hurled into the pits of Hell.

So Peter asks the second one the same question. She looks confused and then says, “Um, yeah, you’ve got this bunny hpping around hiding eggs under bushes, and– AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!” as Peter hits the button again and she’s cast down to the place of eternal damnation.

The third UU comes up and Peter asks him the same question. He’s prepared for this, however- he took a Comparative Religions course through the RE department at his church, and he knows his stuff. “OK, Jesus was arrested in Gethsemane after Judas betrayed him, he was hauled before Pilate and sentenced to death, he was crucified on the Mount of Calvary and buried in a tomb with a rock rolled in front of the door–” Peter’s relaxing, he’s going to get to let someone in today, he’s already reaching for the green button– “and if he comes out and sees his shadow, there’ll be six more weeks of winter, but– AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!”
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Why can’t UUs sing very well in choirs? Because they’re always reading ahead to see if they agree with the next verse. =================================================================
What’s the difference between a Universalist and a Unitarian?

Universalists think God is too good to send them to hell. Unitarians think they are too good for God to send them to hell. =================================================================
What do you get if you cross a Seventh-Day Adventist and an agnostic?

Some one who knocks on your door at 8:00 AM on a Saturday and has no idea why.
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A UU family moves into a new neighborhood. Their little girl finds a new playmate, and they are happily getting to know each other. One day, the playmate says, “We’re Episcopalians, what are you?”

The UU child thinks for a minute and says, “I’m not sure, but I think we’re League of Women Voters.”
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“Gods Rest Ye, Unitarians” (UU Version)

Gods rest ye, Unitarians, let nothing you dismay;
Remember there’s no evidence there was a Christmas Day;
When Christ was born is just not known, no matter what they say,
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact, Glad tidings of reason and fact.

Our current Christmas Customs come from Persia and from Greece,
From solstice celebrations of the ancient Middle East.
This whole darn Christmas spiel is just another pagan feast,
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact, Glad tidings of reason and fact.

There was no star of Bethlehem, there was no angels’ song;
There could not have been wise men for the trip would take too long.
The stories in the Bible are historically wrong,
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact, Glad tidings of reason and fact!
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Q: Why did the Unitarian-Universalist cross the road?
A: To support the chicken in its search for its own path
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A Unitarian is just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.
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After the secular humanists came along, we said that UUs believe in One God – at Most.
Now, what with the 6th Source and the pagans, we say that UUs believe in One God – More or Less.
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You might be a UU if . . .
you have ever been in an argument over whether or not breast milk is vegan.
when you dress for a formal evening out you wear a little black dress, pearls–and Birkenstocks (and your wife thinks you look great!)
you are unsure about the gender of God.
you own six pairs of Birkenstocks and your favorite pair needs to be thrown away.
you get Newt Gingrich confused with the Grinch who Stole Christmas.
the money you sent to the Sierra Club last year was more than you spent on your mother at Christmas.
you think the Holy Trinity is “reduce, reuse and recycle.”
you study the “ten suggestions” instead of the “Ten Commandments.”
the only time “Jesus” is mentioned at church is when someone trips or stubs a toe.
your child says to you before eating dinner at a friend’s house “I’ll remember to say my ‘pleases’ and ‘thank yous’ but I’m not going to say that dinner ‘pledge of alliegance’.”
You think a Holy day of Obligation is your turn to do coffee.
You get mail from committees you didn’t know you were on.
You know at least two people who are upset that trees had to die for your church to be built.
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A little Unitarian Universalist girl was sitting on the curb in front of her house with a sad look on her face. An older lady happened upon her and asked her why she looked so sad. The girl replied, “My kitty cat died.”

The older woman, trying to be helpful, said to the little girl, “I know you’re sad, but right now your kitty cat is with Jesus.”

The girl crinkled her nose for a second and replied, “What would Jesus want with a dead cat?”
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Now I’ll tell you a real story that happened in our Sunday school. The Kindergarten class was discussing “prayer”, and the children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with “amen.” Does anyone know what “amen” means, the teacher asked. There was a long silence. Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, “Well, I think it means, like, “send”

(from the First Unitarian Church of Albuquerque, New Mexico)
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Person A (Mainstream Protestant Denomination): I hear that you allow all sorts of weirdos in your church. Atheists, Buddhists, Pagans…

Person B (Unitarian Universalist): We allow Christians too — we’re very open minded!.
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“The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian.”
– Col. Sherman Potter, M.A.S.H 4077