Feelings at Antioch

Last fall a bunch of us Antiochians found some current student’s livejournals. At first we were just sending them silly stuff and junk mail, but they eventually found out who we were, and we started posting comments in their journals.

I doubt they read our journals, though maybe they do (they are bored college students afterall). I posted this comment (see below) in Jenna ‘s journal last night in response to this post.

Half way through reading her post I realized I’d heard all of that before, and from talking with other friends that other’s have also. That damn cynical, pessimistic inner voice of doubt and self loathing.

I couldn’t just ignore it, I had to write a response, though I doubt she or her friends care what some strange alum is telling her, but I couldn’t ignore what she wrote. I had to respond.

Anyways.. I figured I’d post it here so other people can see at it too, and either giggle at it, or (I can be optimistic, it’s MY JOURNAL, I’m allowed to have my illusion of grandeur and wittyness :)) perhaps gleen some wisdom from it.

I realized after I posted it that maybe I’m still in some leftover Hall Advisor / Community Manager role in my head. Must herd the flock to safety.

Warning – Dimestore philosophy from one of those early 90’s alums who reads your journal.

Look, I’m a computer geek and thus, in my time as a student at Antioch (’87-’92), I convinced myself it was normal for a geek to be antisocial. That’s normal right? So I spent just about every Wednesday & Saturday night NOT going to dances, other nights NOT going to see the bands in the dance space. I spent ALOT of time in my room, feeling alot of the feelings you mentioned above. I didn’t even go in the Glen unless a friend dragged me along. I spent alot of time fretting over what women I liked might say if I approached them and told them my feelings. I spent alot of time wishing I was somewhere else, thinking the grass was greener at Evergreen State or Hampshire College, or on whatever coop I was aiming for.

All I can say is all you wrote above sounds very familiar, it sounds like my old inner voice from Antioch. The voice that’s still with me a little bit, but the voice that friends and age have helped mute for the most part. Maybe there is some Antiochian spirit that puts that in our heads, i dunno. Over time I learned to tell it to shut up, to tune it out. I finally stopped sitting around feeling sorry for myself and forced myself to go out to different campus events, to get involved in campus issues instead of just complaining about them, and take some risks.

So what I’m trying to say is it’s EASY to be alone, to convince yourself that you suck, that no one likes you, that you’re ugly, that there are so many things wrong with you that no one will like you etc. etc. I say it’s EASY as in, it’s easier to close your door and to be alone and wallow in self pity.

But you need to treat yourself like you’d treat a friend who came to you saying the same stuff.. you’d grab them on their shoulders and say ‘WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re fun, there are friends here who think you rock, and their are members of the opposite (or same, or both.. your choice) sex that think you’re pretty cute and want to get to know you better.”

Like my writing this is going to make any difference, but maybe it’ll nudge you in the right direction. Just realize that you aren’t alone in those thoughts, probably a majority of the campus, even the ‘pretty’ people are walking around with their own inner demons saying the same things.

Take risks, go to events you aren’t sure you’ll like, join a campus independent group, write a note to one of your crushes and hand it to them or stick it under their door, take some risks and do some things that will give you some stories to tell, good or bad. You’ll make some new friends, possibly burn some bridges and learn from your mistakes but you’ll grow from the experience.

A fomer Antioch music teacher, John Ronsheim once said something in his class that really struck home with me. I can’t claim I live my life by it but it’s pretty cool advice. “Do something every day that scares you. The only way you’ll grow is by facing your fears.”

My inner self doubting voice says enough from me. I hope this wasn’t too fortune cookie double talk-ish, I really am trying to speak from my experience. I just worry it’s coming across like a bad version of that ‘i hope you dance’ song.

-Matt