Category: Jokes

Found an old video tape that I recorded in my Antioch College dorm room sometime around winter 1990 (willet 236 I think, the end of the hall on the left). Digitized it and put it on Youtube, why not? This is my ‘hit’, performed at Antioch College coffee houses and part of the ‘Pel Show’ on Star Island, Isles Of Shoals, NH. It’s semi-autobiographical, or really actually pretty much auto-biographical and I’ve been a vegetarian for 17 years now and I still cook Mac & Cheese 🙂

I’m A Vegetarian Now
Now I was raised an all-american kid, I enjoyed all four food groups
an after school snack was a raw hotdog and Chunky Sirloin Burger soup
Ham and cheese sandwich for lunch, steak and potatoes at night
scrambled eggs and sausage and bacon, pepperoni on my pizza slice
and Burger King was a big night out, and steak was the meal of the week
I don’t think there was a day of my youth that went by without eating meat

But then it was off to college, just fresh out of high school
and I was surprised to find out that eating meat wasn’t cool
When people saw meat on my plate, well they just stared and walked away
and no one else ate chicken noodle soup, not even on the rainy days
and no matter what I offered my friends they’d always state out loud..
“I’m sorry Matt, but I can’t eat that, ’cause I’m vegetarian now!”

and I will have no part of, a pig or a chicken or cow
Sorry Matt but I can’t eat that ’cause I’m a vegetarian now!

So I became a vegetarian, and my friends thought that was neat
how hard could it possibly be just to avoid eating meat?
So I starting avoiding meat in the college caf, and it really wasn’t that hard
until someone quietly told me, that they cooked everything with lard
but I went home a meatless son and I was really quite proud
I walked into our meat filled kitchen and said ‘Mom, I’m a vegetarian now’

and I will have no part of, a pig or a chicken or cow
Sorry mom I can’t eat your food, cause I’m a vegetarian now

Well I don’t think my mom was ready for her son would change his diet
“How do you know you don’t like it, if you haven’t tried it?”
I said mom it’s not the taste of your food, I eat for a higher cause
and can you honestly tell me, did you know where that cow was?
it was probably in a small uncomfortable pen, life’s hard for a factory farmed cow
and she said ‘stop right there I don’t think I want to know why you’re a vegetarian now’

and you will have no part of, a pig or a chicken or a cow
your ethics won’t let me eat my food cause you’re a vegetarian now

Well now dad was another story “Now son, you’re eating wrong”
“A man needs lots of good red meat to grow up healthy and strong”
I said “Dad, now what’s your problems? I mean you know this isn’t a joke
and I don’t think you’d be half as upset if I had started to smoke.
I think that liberal arts college of yours has led you astray somehow
keep it a secret in today’s business world if you’re going to be a vegetarian now

“Cause America was built on, eating pigs and chickens and cows
keep it a secret if you’re going to stay one of those vegetarian types now”

Now there is no moral to this story, it’s just my tale for you,
and I’m not trying to tell you what you should or you shouldn’t do
I’ve been a vegetarian for a whole year now and it’s a feat not accomplished with ease
and one of these days I’m going to learn to cook more than Kraft Macaroni & cheese
and I come back to Antioch College with all my friends and pals
and three vegetarian meals each day, cause I’m a vegetarian now
and I will have no part of, a pig or a chicken or a cow
forget all about that kind of food cause I’m a vegetarian now